At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
