my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
