Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
