Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
