I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
