he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My vagina just recognized that song.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
