so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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