can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
And then my night got REAL pukey
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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