WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
