ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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