is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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