Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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