put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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