i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
