omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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