Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why are your pants in the freezer?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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