My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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