she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My ATM looks so different sober.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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