three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize