We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
