I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
