Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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