Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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