Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
