and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
