hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
