Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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