My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I can't turn off my feet"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
