I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Randomize
