it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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