home. puking in laundry basket.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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