dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
