I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
