I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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