dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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