i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize