So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
