I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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