Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
