Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
