I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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