The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
