My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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