I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
