Just cropdusted the office
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
