you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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