I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
