He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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