I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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