Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize