I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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