bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
