Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
