just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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